It's been quite a ride these past 5
years. So much has happened that I should be in a corner shaking or
sitting somewhere singing nursery rhymes. Believe me, I wanted to check
out emotionally and did a few times to survive them.
Besides my personal journey (breast
cancer and such), I've had several family members die. Most unexpectedly
and with much grief. Unfortunately, trying to stay strong for other
family members, friends and my other loved ones, I never got a good chance to
grieve and come to terms with who I am now that they are all gone.
Let me recap...
· December 2010
- my sister, Maureen "Mo", died in her sleep hours after I spoke to
her on the phone. It was tragic and took all of us by shocking
surprise. I drank a bit, cried a lot, and wallowed to cope. Then I had to
stop my grieving to continue my life.
· April 2011
- the reason this blog was started
· July-August 2011
- my Uncle Bobby becomes terminal and dies during my chemo treatments. I
do the best I can for him under the circumstances. His death still haunts
me. I wanted to be there for him every step, but my own health prevented
it.
· 2012 - 2
good friends died. One from lung cancer, another from a ripe old age of
97!
· April 2013
- My Father has a stroke and dies within hours. This is the death that
will make me cry just at the mention or thought of it. Tears are welling
up now. I Loved my Daddy so much. Once again, I feel there was more I
could've done for him and his Alzheimer's.
- Jan 2013 – Mo’s boyfriend, Bob, succumbs to his illnesses. I’m sure the #1 cause was his broken heart.
· 2014 – Chris
moves to Charlotte for a new position with Microsoft. We live apart for a year, seeing each other
when we can. It’s a difficult, emotional year.
I do everything I can to “avoid” my feelings.
- A co-worker dies from pancreatic
cancer.
- Oct-Dec 2014 - My Mother’s health begins to get worse. I realize if I hadn’t visited her the weekend after her birthday, she would’ve died. I had her taken to the hospital and the ER doctor told me as such. Her journey begins to end.
· Feb 2015 - My
Mother dies from CHD after months of battling illness & rehab. I care for
her in her last days, keeping her medicated & clean. I got her last hug and
saw her last breath.
- Mar
2015 – car accident.
- Oct 2015 -
My Brother, Michael, dies after a two-year battle with rectal cancer. His pain was horrible. I’m glad I was
there for him and my sister-in-law.
I am left haunted from these deaths
because the core family members in my life are now gone. I know I
have two sisters and plenty of other family, but the ones who have raised you
and given you their unlimited love are the ones you will miss the most.
Don't get me wrong, now. MANY
good things & happy events occurred during these 5 years as well!
· We went to Ireland after my lumpectomy for 3 1/2 weeks!
· I beat my cancer; I went to P/T to get strong again; I made
it through treatments
· My husband brought me to St Thomas in January 2012 as an
-end-of-treatment treat! We also went on several other awesome trips (PR,
Salem, NC, Key West, VT MA, FL, GA, MD,
· Our son graduated High School. We helped my parents move to
a smaller home
· I had my gall bladder out June 2012 - apparently a cause of
several issues I had during treatments. Better late than never! I also had a parathyroidectomy Dec.
2014.
· I went on a Wine Trail in the Finger Lakes with my dearest
friend, Nancy. I also took a trip to Salem with Rebecca and a road trip
with Ali. Plus, several day trips with friends and my cousin, Patricia.
Even made a gingerbread house with Wendy for the Gingerbread Wonderland Contest.
· I worked a lot at the schools, got a f/t job in Athletics at
the High School, and volunteered a lot for H.S.A. fundraisers, the Arboretum,
church, and such. Saw some plays and a
few concerts.
· Watched my son, Kurt, grow into a young man, graduate
Precision Machinist school, get a f/t job, a car (on his own), and move out at
22. There aren’t enough words to express
how proud I am of my guy.
· We get some improvements done on the house. We attend Bat-Mitzvah’s, weddings,
graduations, my Aunt & Uncle’s 50th Anniversary, and other happy events. I even win a radio contest.
· Chris’ job gets better each year. He comes home a year after his NC
venture. I fall in love with my husband
all over again, and again, and again…
I started feeling empty, worthless,
and just plain melancholy around November 2015.
I was crying uncontrollably every day.
I realized I hadn’t properly grieved my losses and pain these past
years. I was always being strong for
others; keeping a stiff upper lip; losing myself in work and caring for those
who remained behind until they were all gone.
There was no one left to care for.
No one left to remind me who I was.
Yes, I still have MANY in my life who matter, but all this loss made me wonder
who I really was. I needed to rediscover
me.
I began by seeking professional
help. I saw a psychiatrist and then
settled with a local therapist.
Somewhere in between I got some chemical help. Thank God, because I finally stopped crying
every day! My sessions are going very
well. I’m able to identify who I was and
am – to others and to myself. I’ve come
to terms with my “caregiver” and “always-available” sides. I’m learning how to say, “No” and take myself
under consideration for once in my life.
That’s what I’m finding…MY LIFE!
It’s still a journey. I pray I
find my inner peace again.
